Feeling at Fault
by Foreveraharmonyfan
Summary: Spoilers for Endgame. What if they helped Thor sooner? Before he went to far down the rabbit hole.
1. Chapter 1

AN: first time I've done a Thor fanfic. Hell it was just a spur of the moment thing. Idk if I'll continue with it or not, but I hope you like it!

The days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and with each passing day it seemed like he couldn't escape how he felt. Or how he longed to change things, but knew he couldn't. He failed as the King of Asgard, the God of Thunder. He simply... _failed_ everyone. He had shut out his team mates, after they had returned back to earth. He wasn't even sure how long it had been. The fact that months had passed, without a single word, meant only one thing. They were all blaming him for it all as well. Alcohol became his friend. The bottom of a bottle was the e_ndgame_ for him. Laughing always at the irony of it all, when he thought of it.

He was a failure. Simply put.

No one cared for a failure. No one.

The thoughts always ran through his head. Every day. Until he drunk himself into a stupor. The people of the new Asgard didn't bother to mess with him. They had all been mourning the loss of someone. All because of _him_! He thought through gritted teeth, as he threw the empty beer bottle towards the wall, instantly breaking on contact.

"If only I had aimed for the head sooner." He croaked, his voice no longer the rich healthy god like that it once was. Glaring at the Stormbreaker, that leaned against the wall, amongst the debris of mess that had been laid about. Closing his eyes briefly, as he ran his hands through his now growing hair. It felt greasier, nothing like it once was, all those many months ago, before... before... "NO! I can't think about... I just can't!" Thor growled out, needing something heavier. He was getting better at drowning everything out. Even Valkrye who would stop by at times, though that had been few and far between now as well. He thought to himself. Even she had deserted him.

None of them cared.

They moved on. They all had. Hell even Stark married Potts. _Finally_. He always thought, even though he hadn't even been invited to the wedding. Or maybe he had, but had been to drunk to even care at the time.

Didn't matter anyways. Everytime he tried to sleep, it ended in nightmares! It was his fault that he hadn't gone for the head instead.

Tears fell silently from his eyes, the anxiety from even thinking about it all over again, was getting to him again. He growled in frustration, throwing a lamp to the other side of the room. It broke instantly. _He needed another drink! He wasn't drunk enough yet. He needed something strong!_ He thought to himself as he rummaged in the back room, to find the hard liquor.

"Yessss!" He exclaimed as he opened the bottle of rum and downed the contents. He would be fine. Everything would be okay, even though at the back of his mind he knew nothing was, but that wasn't going to stop him.

A knock however stopped him in his tracks, after he opened the second bottle. The affects from it and whatever else he had drunk beforehand was slowly taking its course, so he wasn't really sure if there had been an actual knock or if his mind was playing tricks.

"GO AWAY!" Thor bellowed out, even though albeit a bit in a slurred tone.

"What the hell?" Came an all familiar voice. One he hadn't heard from since... since that... _day_!

"Leave me alone." He said through gritted teeth, before taking a swig from his bottle.

"Oh Thor... what have you done..."

"I'm fine, Nat. Avengers no more. I'm relaxing." He said as if it was obvious. She snorted in a disbelieving way.

"Come home. I can..."

"I am... home. Byeeee." He said in a child like voice. Waving at her as if she was an immature little girl, before giggling childishly. Yep, he was drunk now.

"You're drunk."

"Well, duh." Rolling his eyes, he tried to get up from his chair to walk over to her, to demand Natasha out of here, but slumped back down with a heavy thud.

"It isn't your fault..."

"IT IS MY FAULT, NAT! I..."

"Let us help you..."

"Don't 'eed it. Go way. Shoo." He said in a threatening voice, albeit a bit sluggish and not its usual command. She sighed and walked over to him.

"Please Thor. Everyone will be happy to see you again. We don't blame you. It's not your fault." She told him, but then noticed he had fallen asleep by the snoring he had done. "Oh Thor we need you." Natasha whispered, looking around the mess that had become his home.

Getting up from where she was, she walked over to where Thor's stash of beer and booze was, and then looked back at the man who was no longer the handsome young man she once knew. Picking up a few of the bottles, she slammed all of them down, the contents spewing on the already messy floor.

"I WAS GOING TO DRINK THAT!" He roared, getting up as fast as he could from his position and got right into her face. Never once did she flinch. "I need those." Thor told her, glaring at her. He could feel the electricity in his veins, just wanting to come out and strike her down, but knew now wasn't the time. His powers were all off balance. Ever since... that day happened.

"I don't give a damn. Come with me. I'll help you, so will Rogers and Stark. We're all worried about you..."

Thor laughed at that, a real honest to goodness laugh in he didn't know how long, before looking at her seriously again. "Doubt that. Forget about me. Everyone else has." He told her, before pushing her towards the front door.

"Thor..."

"Don't. Just go. _I'm fine_. Really!" He told her, putting on his best happy face, even though he knew she could see right through it.

"I'll see you soon..."

"I rather you just go."

"It's not your fault. Please..."

"It is." He told her, before opening the door to his place up to let her out. "Forget about me." Thor told her, before shutting the door on her, and walking back towards favorite chair.

He opened another bottle of beer and downed the contents of it.

Everything was indeed his fault!

And with that thought in mind he drunk himself to sleep. It was the only way he could get some rest!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

The shine shone brightly through the window of room, causing Thor to groan in protest. He wasn't sure how long he had been out, but he had a pounding headache, that he was beginning to become used to. Shielding his eyes, he squinted towards the source of light, and noticed he was still in his home. Maybe he had imagined Natasha being there yesterday, which was rather comical to him. He couldn't believe that he was now seeing his team mates _trying_ to help him. It was sad and pathetic really.

Raising up from the ground, he tried to get up, but his whole body felt heavier than usual. Yup, he had gone for the stronger stuff yesterday. Happened every time, but now his body was slowly getting adjusted to it, and he didn't feel like a bag of rocks, like he had done the first week of his alcohol binge. But the fact of the matter was, he didn't need anyone. Didn't need the _stupid_ avengers to come save him. No one. He didn't need any of them! He thought to himself, as he sat down on a chair that wasn't littered with clothes or empty bottles.

Oh how he needed to clean up. He mused to himself, wiping off some crumbs off the table, before shrugging. It didn't matter. No one was going to come in here again.

_You should've gone for the head._

The voice of Thanos always in the back of his mind. The constant visual of that day, the day that had changed everything. It was constantly on repeat, no matter how much he had to drink the day before. Or how much he pigged out. Even he knew he was no longer the handsome man as before. His stomach had a slight pudge to it now, his arms were losing its muscle tone.

The memory of the day seemed to come back stronger this time. Like he was there all over again….

_They were all in Wakanda, besides Stark he had noticed, but he was more concerned about helping everyone protect the stone. The last stone that Thanos shouldn't get._

_The roads and jeers from both sides could be heard._

_Then silence fell. He wasn't sure what had happened, but he needed to go and find out. He had to make sure that whatever it was, wasn't the… end. He had to avenge Asgard, his parents, and even… Loki._

"_Son of a bitch. You could've pretended there was no stone on your person!" He exclaimed to no one in particular, as he flew to where Thanos was at. _

_Time stood still, if only for a moment. Death could be seen all around him. He had been to late. But he slung the blade of the Stormbreaker against his chest._

"_You should've gone for the head." Thanos whispered out loud, before snapping his fingers…._

He cried out in anguish as the memories of that day came back to him.

It was his fault.

If he had gone for the head on the grass of Wakanda, they would ALL be alive then!

"I need a drink." He croaked through his tears. He needed to forget everything!

Standing up from his chair, he headed for the back room, where all the alcohol was at, but instead found… nothing. He started to panic and hyperventilate. What had happened to his stuff? He thought in a panic!

"You won't need that anymore." Came a calm voice, like they were speaking to a child. He looked up and saw Rogers there, in casual clothing. He didn't come as the superhero.

"Where. Is. My. Beer?!" He exclaimed! "I'll have your head for this!" Thor bellowed out. His head pounding more than usual. How long had he really been out? He wondered.

"I'm sorry to do this…" came the voice of Natasha on his other side.

"Wha…?"

"Thor it's for…"

"You can't. It's my fault. Everyone dead. Gone. All because of me!" He said looking back and forth at them. He needed to calm down before a full blow out of a panic attack happened. "I don't _need_ help! I'm _fine_!" Thor told them both.

"It's not…." Nat started before stopping mid sentence, and looking towards Steve and nodding at the man. He nodded back at her, looking a little sad.

"Sorry for this Thor." He told him, confusing the man a little bit.

"Sorry for…" Thor began but stopped mid sentence as his whole body went lax.

Natasha and Steve looked on sadly as they easily captured their friend. It was the last thing they both wanted to do, but it had to be done to save him from the destructive path he was heading down.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: the beginning will be a flashback, something that came to my mind, but still stems from the movies.

_The shackles were tightly shut against his whole body, as he watched Thanos murdered several people he cared about most. He wanted to rip the man limb from limb, but couldn't. The silent scream, that was heard from the plate against his mouth, was heard, but the energy that coursed through his body was beyond what he could control. Everything was hitting him at once. He lost everything. Even his own brother._

_The mad magician smirked at him, as if he knew he couldn't do anything in his shackles. The electricity was becoming to much through his body, and the more he yanked at the chains, the more he wanted to rip them all to shreds. Luckily, the only one who was getting out alive in this was the Hulk himself. Banner was lucky. It had been Heimdall that saved his fellow teammate. But the fact of the matter was, he had died doing what was right._

_He lost his family, his eye, his love, his home, his hammer, and his people in such a short time span it hurt. The loss was to much for him, but he needed to get out of this alive. He just… had to! He thought to himself as he yanked as his chains once more. The feeling of dread increasing with each pull._

_The bastard would pay! Thanos was going to die before he even mastered getting all the stones. He just needed a better weapon! He thought to himself, as he glared at the pawns of Thanos before him. _

_The room started to become white as a star about to explode….._

Thor gasped loudly from the nightmare. He had just went back to that day. The day he lost his brother all over again. He hated it. Hated the fact that he was relieving it all over again, and also the fact that he wasn't drunk or pigging out on food. It hadn't been this way for several months now. He had been fine. Sure, he was completely drunk most of the time, but that's what helped him to get on with his day. He didn't want to remember anything! He thought to himself, as he looked around the room and wondered where he was at.

The bed was more comfortable than his own. The walls were white, a door was to his left, and a table was against the wall with a chair tucked under it. Looking down he noticed that he wasn't in his usual clothes; ones that he had worn for several weeks at a time without really showering. He really didn't care if he had smelt like a pig. He saw the IV in his arm, and cursed everything to high heaven. He was there. At the compound, the last place he wanted to be at!

"God damn you all!" He bellowed out, even though no one was probably around to hear him. All he wanted right now was to be left alone, with a bottle of scotch or something stronger, to ease his mind and get rid of the after affects the nightmares usually gave him.

Turning his head to the right, he noticed the curtains were slightly opened, to filter in some of the light from outside. It wasn't morning time from what he could gather, but the only thing missing from the place was his beloved Stormbreaker. Raising his hand up, even though it felt like jelly, he decided to call it to him, but nothing had happened.

So he waited what felt like forever, with no end result.

Another failure on my part. He thought to himself with a sad sigh, before letting out a frustrated yell. Why? What did he do to have so much pain happen to him and his people? He thought to himself angrily. Why wasn't he worthy anymore?

The door opened up a moment later, and he glared at the woman coming in. She had been the one to kidnap him from his home. He didn't need to be saved! He mused to himself.

"Go away." He said to her.

"Thor we are concerned about…"

"My well being? My health? Hah!" He snorted, even though he usually didn't, especially since gods never did it in the first place, he did. It was a joke. None of them cared. And if they had, they would've been to his rescue sooner. Quicker. Not months later! "Could've fooled me, Natasha!" Thor said to her, as he took the IV out of his arm without even looking.

"You aren't the only one suffering here…"

"Suffering?! Seriously!?" He bellowed at, before getting right into her face, something he didn't normally do, cause the woman could scare anyone with a sudden movement, even though he wasn't going to tell her that. He may be a _little_ weak at the moment, but he wasn't going to admit that to her! "I was fine! FINE! Until you decided to come waltzing into my place like…" he paused to catch his breath some, before moving away from her. "YOU have no idea!" Thor said as he walked over to the window.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, the sad tone once again underlying beneath what she wanted everyone else to see; the cold hearted fighter.

"At least no one blames you for…"

"We don't blame." She stated simply.

"We as in who? You or Rogers? The team is gone Nat. I tried…." He stopped mid sentence, shaking his head, before sighing sadly.

_If only I had aimed for the head sooner._ He thought to himself.

"All of us." Came another voice that had entered the room. It was Tony this time.

"You look better."

"Well, you look like hell pal." Stark said matter of factly. The last time he had seen Iron Man was right after Captain Marvel had saved him and Nebula from dying, and he had been in bad shape. Oh how things had changed since then!

"I'm fine." He simply replied, like it was a broken record. He was anything but fine, and he they could all see right past that.

"If you were, I wouldn't have heard you screaming…"

"Gods don't scream, Stark."

"Could've fooled me. Sounded like an intervention. I heard you." He said with a shrug to the shoulders, before popping some type of candy into his mouth. The glint of his wedding band glistened in the sun.

"Congrats on marrying Pepper."

"Thanks lightning rod." Tony said happily, with a goofy grin on his face.

"Natasha." Another voice, this time it was Bruce's, but it was through the intercom. It sounded like a warning of some sort. Whatever it was, made it seem like a top priority.

"Thor we _need_ you to get better." She blurted out, no holding back.

"And don't say you are fine either, cause you clearly aren't." Another voice said, this time belonging to Steve. He and Tony shared a look, something he wasn't familiar with, but new they had gotten close over the years. Anyone who was anyone could see that.

"I need a drink." Thor blurted out, not caring about whatever plan they had come up with. It wasn't going to work. Everyone sighed, knowing this wasn't going to be easy.

"No drinks, no…"

"Then I want no part of it. Let me leave…"

"Thor we can't.."

"You will stay if you know what's best for you!" Steve said in a firm demanding voice. Thor chuckled some, not believing the slightest bit that any of them could stop him.

Getting up from the confines of his bed, he gathered some of his things, placed his shoes on, and walked out of the room. He didn't need any of them to tell him what to do or how to live his life.

They were just nightmares, and sometimes panic attacks, no big deal.

"Don't take another step." A warning came from behind him. It was Natasha once more.

"Don't stop me! It's all my fault that we are like this. It's mine. Not yours, but MINE alone!" He roared out, not looking back once, as he continued to walk towards the entrance of the building.

"NO ONE blames you!" Yelled Tony.

He opened the doors to the compound, and stepped outside. The fresh air was a welcome feeling to his clammy skin. He knew they were worried about him, but there was no need. He was fine. He didn't need there help.

_You should've went for the head. Thanos' voice always seemed to taunt him no matter what._

And with everything that was going on around him, he thought he was being squeezed in every direction to the point where he felt like he was suffocating. The usual anxiety was getting the best of him, and before he could even calm himself down, or think of ways to get his heartbeat calm again he collapsed on the ground with a thud.

The world around him went to darkness.

AN: hope you all liked the update!


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